[written to a friend]
Hey, how did that business meeting go yesterday? I'm sorry I got the message a little late. I wanted to give you a few things to take with you to the meeting. I know how some of those business meetings can go, so for future reference, here are some "power tools" that I find useful at all of my meetings:
For the first 15 minutes of any meeting, as the discussion is getting off the ground, I limit myself to one comment: "Who died and made you boss?" I find that this sets a tone for the meeting.
As the meeting progresses, I will choose from the following list of comments as I see fit:
"How dare you?"
"Hey, I know my rights!"
"What do you mean, 'What's MY problem?'"
"Call my lawyer."
"You and what army?"
"Yeah, look who's talking."
"More coffee, anyone?"
"Because I said so!"
If a meeting seems to be spinning out of control, I get up from my chair and place my hands on the table. I then repeatedly kick my feet up behind me and start braying like a donkey. This brings a focus back to the meeting, and often ends it abruptly, especially when it is a small table. In this case, the weight that you suddenly transfer into your hands can turn the table over in front of you. Combine that with the momentum of your feet flying up behind you, and you may find yourself flipping over the crashing table. Just watch your head as you come down.
Feel free to pull this e-mail up on your laptop to have in front of you at future meetings, or you can always print it out on custom stationery.
